The term “daddy issues” is one usually reserved for women, thrown about to describe women with unhealthy attachment issues. And while a father’s role in a girl’s life is important, with women’s self-esteem and self-confidence being directly related to their relationship with their fathers, a boy’s relationship to his father is just as important and impacts far more than their love lives.
When boys are raised by emotionally distant, overbearing, or abusive fathers, their need for safety and predictability is associated with rigid control. When those boys grow up into men, they internalize a belief that the world is harsh and dangerous and the only defense against it is by being strong, but that strength is seen through a lens of cruelty, hyper-masculinity, and aggression.
They identify with the aggression they were subjected to, and by taking on the same behaviors they gain a sense of strength and mastery over perceived threats. This also means adopting black-and-white thinking patterns, intolerance for ambiguity, and a tendency to divide the world into “us vs. them.” By taking on these aggressive characteristics they might feel they can avoid vulnerability and prevent future harm. This identification can manifest in personal relationships and broader social or political attitudes, seeing authoritative figures as necessary to provide order and stability.
These authoritarian figures promote strict obedience at the expense of personal freedom, and they also display abusive and bullying behaviors, often the same behaviors as their fathers. Men raised in these environments see that as strength and decisiveness. They elevate these political and social media figures as role models or protectors that compensate for the insecurity and vulnerability rooted in their early experiences.
These men will also be extremely loyal to authoritarian figures despite those leaders’ flaws, internalizing the aggressor’s power as a form of protection, making it difficult to recognize or admit any harm or wrongdoing. Instead, they project that aggressor role outward, reinforcing rigid authority and control, believing this is the only way to stay safe.
For men, the role of the father is to provide a sense of safety, that the world is one of wonder and opportunity. But when father’s fail in their role, they create a world full of danger and threats for their sons. Fundamentally, men raised by overbearing and abusive fathers are deeply afraid, and are desperate to find a father figure to make them feel safe. Their life choices are based on their fear. This includes personal as well as professional choices, and often leads to isolation and echo chambers. Unfortunately, they reinforce the fear by choosing role models that only amplify that fear.
Recognizing this fear is the first step towards healing. While the behavior and beliefs can be damaging, the underlying motivations for them stem from unresolved wounds that could be met with compassion, empathy, and more secure relationships, if given the opportunity. Most of the therapeutic process is about recognizing our patterns of recreating our early traumas, and breaking out of those patterns. Getting help is the second step.