Love relationships are both simple and complicated. That is, when they are fulfilling they are simple, and when they are challenging they are complicated. The way we navigate relationships is often dictated by our earliest interpersonal experiences. How we related to our parents, siblings, cousins, and peers in childhood sets the stage for how we interact with others throughout our life. In fact, our relationship with our primary caregivers in infancy creates our attachment style.
As a counselor that sees couples, I’ve seen (and written about) how understanding our own attachment styles can improve our relationships. But after we begin to heal from insecure attachment and develop our own secure attachment, we need to understand and start to heal where our love relationships began breaking down.
Regardless of attachment style, most successful love relationships are really three separate relationships in one: platonic, romantic, and erotic.
The platonic relationship is one of friendship. Friendship is about genuinely liking someone. This can be characterized as wanting to share thoughts and ideas with our partner, bringing them into our inner and outer world, and spending time together in shared activities. In friendship, there is affection, admiration, and intimacy.
Without friendship, a relationship can become one of alienation, where lovers become roommates and partners coexist in the same space without sharing any significant part of their lives. Without friendship, it is hard to have a long-lasting relationship and it is almost impossible to come back from actively disliking your partner.
The romantic aspect of our relationships is one where love, excitement, and mystery are at the forefront. It is the feeling of falling or being in love with another. It is through romance that we show and tell our partners that we love them, often through acts like gift giving, gestures such as hand holding, or by being spoken aloud. Expressing these tender feelings helps preserve and perpetuate them, otherwise, they run the risk of fading away. Romance is often part of courtship, the early part of a relationship when love is new and uncertain.
The issue with romance is that some think it is unnecessary once a relationship is established there is no more need to show or express feelings of love. This can be incredibly harmful to relationships, as we need the romantic aspect kept alive so that we know our partner continues to not only value us but to choose us. If love is not expressed or shown, how can our partners know it exists?
The erotic aspect of a relationship is the chemistry or attraction between partners. This attraction is a strong drive, especially in the early part of relationships, to seek one another out and connect physically. In monogamous relationships, sex is one thing that is only shared with our partner. It can be an expression of love and intimacy, and good sex requires good communication. While the erotic relationship is a means of connecting physically, it can also be a means of expressing and validating our love for our partner.
While sexual desire can fade as we age, and may not exist for those who are asexual, it is, for many, a vital part of our human experience. When we connect with our partners through the erotic, we feel desired, valued, and loved. When our needs are not met, we can be left feeling rejected and unloved.
Balancing these three relationships requires ongoing communication, intentional effort, and flexibility. Each one of these relationships – platonic, romantic, and erotic – supports and reinforces the others. For example, a strong friendship can foster trust and safety, which allows for deeper romance and physical intimacy. If one aspect feels lacking, it’s essential to address it openly with our partner. It is also important to recognize that relationships ebb and flow and it is normal for certain elements to take precedence at different times. The key is to remain committed to nurturing all three over time.
If one of these relationships is missing it can create an imbalance. For instance, a lack of friendship may lead to feelings of emotional distance, while a lack of romance might make the relationship feel stagnant. Similarly, neglecting the erotic aspect can leave partners feeling unwanted. To address these gaps, you can start by identifying what’s missing and have an honest conversation with your partner about your needs and feelings. Together with your partner you can create a plan to reconnect and strengthen that area of your relationship.
In relationships, as in life, growth requires effort. By nurturing the platonic, romantic, and erotic aspects of your connection, you build a partnership that is resilient, fulfilling, and deeply rooted in love. If you and your partner are looking to heal or deepen your connection, I can support you in couples counseling.